Every time I get out of an interview, I chuckle to myself about the many ways I could have answered the questions. I have often thought of going on some interviews for jobs I have no interest in, just to answer their questions in the most amusing least appropriate ways possible. The following is an imaginary transcript of one of these interviews.
(I) -Interviewer
(S) -Scott
(I) [Shaking Hands]How are you today Mr. Wise?
(S) I am doing well. I have been out of the institution since last thursday and I am feeling much better now. Please call me Frenchie.
(I) Why Frenchie? Are you from France?
(S) No I just really like to dress up like the Frenchie character from "Grease". Does this company have a dress code?
(I) Our dress code here is business casual. What do you mean by "The Institution"?
(S) Oh, I used to really enjoy hurting myself and others. Much better now though. Would I be able to wear a poodle skirt?
(I) I guess that would be acceptable attire. We do not discriminate here. So why are you interested in this position?
(S) Well, I really need the money and I figured this job might pay pretty well. I wouldn't really say that I am interested in this position, I just really want the money. No one else has really been calling me back, so when you called I figured why not. What position am I interviewing for anyway?
(I) You are interviewing for the Graphic Designer position.
(S) What's the pay like for something like that?
(I) We generally do not discuss salary so early in the interviewing process. What qualifications do you have for this position?
(S) Well, I like to listen to music, read books, and watch movies. Pornography mostly.
(I) What kind of computer experience do you have?
(S) I had an Apple IIC in 1986 and I had an Atari 2600 a couple of years before that. I got angry and broke them both though.
(I) You do realize that this position does involve working with computers correct?
(S) Of course I do. I am prepared to learn. Oh I also can program my VCR to record my 'Soaps'.
(I) Where do you work currently?
(S) I am currently unemployed. That would be why I am here talking to you. Do you watch "Days of Our Lives"?
(I) I generally do not watch very much television. What was the last job you held?
(S) I've never really had a job. I once fucked my Aunt while my Uncle watched and masturbated though. He gave me 20 bucks for it too. I guess that's what you mean huh?
(I) Sort of. So you have never had a job?
(S) Other than having sex with my Aunt, No. Now that I think about it, we actually have done that quite a few times. Do you think I should put that on my resume?
(I) That would be really be up to you. Well, your resume says you went to Mary Washington College and graduated in 1997. What did you study?
(S) Well I never really went to Mary Washington. I had some friends that did though and I hung around there for a couple of months. They studied lots of things I guess. As far as you should be concerned I studied whatever they did.
(I) What did they study?
(S) What's this job doing again?
(I) Graphic Designer.
(S) They studied that then.
(I) Do you have any special skills?
(S) My doctor said that I probably masturbate more than anyone else she has ever counseled. Sometimes as much as 7 or 8 times a day. I think about my doctor when I do it, I like to think of it as part of my therapy. After all, we are spending time together. Do have a space designated where I would be able to masturbate?
(I) Not at this time. This position requires a criminal background check. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
(S) I generally run really fast and never get caught. I was once brought up on some charges though. I was aquitted.
(I) What kinds of charges?
(S) Bestiality. Come on, are you telling me you have never been brought up an any charges?
(I) No I have never been brought up on any charges. Do you have any special training that we should know about?
(S) I can use the bathroom by myself. I only need my ass wiped for me maybe 2 out of 5 times nowadays. Would someone be assigned to me to help me when I need it?
(I) I don't think we have anyone qualified to assist you with that sort of thing. Well Frenchie those are all the questions I have. Do you have any questions?
(S) Just a few. What are my chances of getting this job?
(I) We have many other applicants, and you are the first person we have interviewed, so its hard to say.
(S) Can I have the other applicants' names and addresses? I figure I can better my chances if I kill or maim a couple of them.
(I) We are unable to give out that information.
(S) How about your address then?
(I) I'm sorry but I cannot give out that information either.
(S) That's OK, I already followed you home last night. I guess that's all the questions I have. Thanks for your time.
At this point I would run out of the building laughing maniacally.
(I) -Interviewer
(S) -Scott
(I) [Shaking Hands]How are you today Mr. Wise?
(S) I am doing well. I have been out of the institution since last thursday and I am feeling much better now. Please call me Frenchie.
(I) Why Frenchie? Are you from France?
(S) No I just really like to dress up like the Frenchie character from "Grease". Does this company have a dress code?
(I) Our dress code here is business casual. What do you mean by "The Institution"?
(S) Oh, I used to really enjoy hurting myself and others. Much better now though. Would I be able to wear a poodle skirt?
(I) I guess that would be acceptable attire. We do not discriminate here. So why are you interested in this position?
(S) Well, I really need the money and I figured this job might pay pretty well. I wouldn't really say that I am interested in this position, I just really want the money. No one else has really been calling me back, so when you called I figured why not. What position am I interviewing for anyway?
(I) You are interviewing for the Graphic Designer position.
(S) What's the pay like for something like that?
(I) We generally do not discuss salary so early in the interviewing process. What qualifications do you have for this position?
(S) Well, I like to listen to music, read books, and watch movies. Pornography mostly.
(I) What kind of computer experience do you have?
(S) I had an Apple IIC in 1986 and I had an Atari 2600 a couple of years before that. I got angry and broke them both though.
(I) You do realize that this position does involve working with computers correct?
(S) Of course I do. I am prepared to learn. Oh I also can program my VCR to record my 'Soaps'.
(I) Where do you work currently?
(S) I am currently unemployed. That would be why I am here talking to you. Do you watch "Days of Our Lives"?
(I) I generally do not watch very much television. What was the last job you held?
(S) I've never really had a job. I once fucked my Aunt while my Uncle watched and masturbated though. He gave me 20 bucks for it too. I guess that's what you mean huh?
(I) Sort of. So you have never had a job?
(S) Other than having sex with my Aunt, No. Now that I think about it, we actually have done that quite a few times. Do you think I should put that on my resume?
(I) That would be really be up to you. Well, your resume says you went to Mary Washington College and graduated in 1997. What did you study?
(S) Well I never really went to Mary Washington. I had some friends that did though and I hung around there for a couple of months. They studied lots of things I guess. As far as you should be concerned I studied whatever they did.
(I) What did they study?
(S) What's this job doing again?
(I) Graphic Designer.
(S) They studied that then.
(I) Do you have any special skills?
(S) My doctor said that I probably masturbate more than anyone else she has ever counseled. Sometimes as much as 7 or 8 times a day. I think about my doctor when I do it, I like to think of it as part of my therapy. After all, we are spending time together. Do have a space designated where I would be able to masturbate?
(I) Not at this time. This position requires a criminal background check. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
(S) I generally run really fast and never get caught. I was once brought up on some charges though. I was aquitted.
(I) What kinds of charges?
(S) Bestiality. Come on, are you telling me you have never been brought up an any charges?
(I) No I have never been brought up on any charges. Do you have any special training that we should know about?
(S) I can use the bathroom by myself. I only need my ass wiped for me maybe 2 out of 5 times nowadays. Would someone be assigned to me to help me when I need it?
(I) I don't think we have anyone qualified to assist you with that sort of thing. Well Frenchie those are all the questions I have. Do you have any questions?
(S) Just a few. What are my chances of getting this job?
(I) We have many other applicants, and you are the first person we have interviewed, so its hard to say.
(S) Can I have the other applicants' names and addresses? I figure I can better my chances if I kill or maim a couple of them.
(I) We are unable to give out that information.
(S) How about your address then?
(I) I'm sorry but I cannot give out that information either.
(S) That's OK, I already followed you home last night. I guess that's all the questions I have. Thanks for your time.
At this point I would run out of the building laughing maniacally.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home